Columbine and The Caring Compass
#IWD2023
(8th March 2023)
Historically, by comparison to men, women have not been accorded the same dignity, respect, civil rights, civil liberties and the freedom to independently make decisions about their health, bodies, sex life and orientation — a disparity that is often the root cause of physical and mental abuse. In too many parts of the world, that remains true to this day, which is why #IWD is one of the most important dates on the calendar.
As feminists in the 1970s, we were so sure we could change the world; achieve isonomy for all women, and end abuse of and violence against women. I come from a long line of capable women who all taught me that I could do anything I put my mind to — and I believed them. ‘Though much has changed, tragically, much remains the same. Here in Ontario there are communities where women are still terribly mistreated — by police services, by the justice system and by the men in their lives. Too often, cases of reported abuse are relegated to the investigative back burner, “justified” by the idiom He said. She said. In the case of reproductive rights, the religious right, misogynists, the Catholic Church and other religions are constantly trying to reverse abortion access for Ontario women.
On this forty-eighth International Women’s Day, I thought a lot about Care, and about how many of the strong, powerful women in my life seem to have a built-in “caring compass”. All the world over, millions of women are dedicated to caregiving. Whether this is a kindness towards a family member, a volunteering choice or a professional responsibility - it is altruistic and largely unpaid/underpaid work. So much so, that caring is the UN focus on #IWD23 - they’re asking women from around the world to share stories and opinions about the burden and sustainability of the care they are currently providing.
It has been estimated that the ratio of hours spent on unpaid caregiving, women compared to men, is 4:1. A gross societal imbalance, based upon the unjust presumption that women are better at it, which only serves to perpetuate existing financial inequities. Society is long overdue in properly respecting, valuing and fairly compensating the work women have done and continue to do, in caring for the young, the elderly, the sick, the infirm, and the downtrodden.
On #IWD2023, I reached out to one of the most resilient, capable, dynamic and hard-working women I’ve ever known. I've had the privilege of calling her my friend for some eighteen years. She is highly motivated and inspirational and constantly impels me to be better. At everything.
The Warrior
Instead of the renown, this year I wanted to focus some attention on an ordinary but extraordinary woman whose might comes from deep within herself — not from her job or her wealth and especially not from her former spouse. She boasts none of the trappings typically associated with power but is, nonetheless, a force to be reckoned with. She works tirelessly to improve the lives of other victims. Most remarkable though, is her humanitarian tenability; the capacity and devotion needed to sustain her industry and dedication over a prolonged period of time. Meet my dear friend “Columbine”:
Legend has it that, when he arrived in America and noticed the dainty blue and red wildflowers in bloom, Columbus named them “Columbines” which means courage. This story is about a woman with boundless courage which is why I’m calling her Columbine in the recounting of her story.
One of the things I’ve missed the most during our COVID isolation is the kitchen conversations with my friends — each one of them kind, loving, loyal, inquisitive, adventurous, and smart as all get-out! We’d gather around the island, plug in the kettle, warm the pot, grab the cups, milk, spoons and biccies and settle in for an afternoon of solving the world’s problems. Or at least taking a stab at solving our own.
There’s nothing better than having three or four close girlfriends to whom you can tell your deepest secrets, wildest dreams, scariest fears, and happiest happenings. One of the most shocking, worrisome and saddest exchanges involved the disclosure that one of our dear pals was in an abusive relationship, unbeknownst to us. Besides ensuring our unwavering support, that afternoon our Women’s Solidarity Committee planned her escape and the ensuing transformation of her life to one of safety and security. That afternoon yielded our most positive outcome, and our darling “Columbine” walked away knowing that being hurt and frightened is not love.
Leaving her abuser, reestablishing her life in a different town (and province), and as a survivor whose reports and fears were ignored and neglected by the police and the justice system, Columbine told us she felt an enormous responsibility to pay her success forward. She became a very powerful, vocal and hardworking advocate for and caregiver to, other abused women. She brings an assiduous and compassionate attention to the details and responsibilities of helping other women escape their abusers. Their well-being and safety are her priority - protecting the women and their families, and providing whatever the women may need to endure their hardships and to be strong for their children.
“She neither hurries nor hesitates.
She knows exactly how carefully it must be done.”**
Volunteers know that people can make a difference in the lives of others and demonstrate that awareness with their service. Besides coordinating the day-to-day essentials for the victims in her care, Columbine, neither hurrying nor hesitating, pragmatically supports their emotional, and social needs, recognising there is no prescribed timeline for adjustment. Columbine, with empathy, compassion and always without judgement, acts as an important ally and advocate for the victims and their families during what is assuredly the most difficult time of their lives.
Columbine is now in big demand at fundraising events in support of not-for-profit organisations that help liberate and protect women. She speaks — robustly, painfully honestly, and without embellishment or self-aggrandisement, about her own experience of abuse and survival — on behalf of downtrodden women who have been abused, who are living in poverty, and who are facing injustice.
In 2022 our darling Columbine was awarded her province’s Medal of Good Citizenship for her hard work and dedication. We couldn’t be prouder to call her our friend. To think, as she so often reminds us, that this all began with our Women’s Solidarity Committee, chatting over a cuppa.
Unfortunately with a big distance separating us, on #IWD2023 I enjoyed a lovely, long catch-up with my friend Columbine. She does not consider herself to be either a warrior or a hero, yet she is definitely both. And kind, loving, loyal, inquisitive, adventurous, and smart as all get-out!
Perhaps this tale of grit, effort and kindness might serve as a reminder that when seen, heard and valued, women — ordinary women — can make a huge difference in this world. Caring comes in equal measures of toughness and gentleness and at this time in history, our world and its women need both. On #IWD and every other day of the year, please, never underestimate the power of caring and service to others.
'Til next time, y'all...
*Mary Oliver, from her poem “To Shiva”, page 46, Blue Horses