Inglorious Behaviour
The past week has been tortuous for our family. Cam’s beloved older sister died suddenly, late last Thursday evening. Still bruised by that immense sadness, the family is struggling to cope with a truly horrible and ever-worsening family quarrel with no clear path to resolution, forgiveness and peace.
Like the prettiest crazy quilt, stitched into every moment, every event, every encounter and every relationship in our lives, are many pairs of paradoxical swatches of experience — good/bad, dismay/joy, like/dislike, loving/hating, effort/passivity and misdeed/forgiveness. Misdeed and forgiveness are the pair that are under the microscope in our family.
“Everybody, even the best of us, will sometimes behave ingloriously, and to think otherwise is to be hemmed in by vanity.”*
And I am not hemmed in by vanity. Of course inglorious behaviour is at the root of this tumultuous fissure, indeed there have been many mistakes made — on both sides — during the past year. But the proverbial straw was an utterly contemptible letter that caused our sister and our nephew unbearable hurt and stretched any thought of forgiveness to its very limit. Perhaps beyond. Resolution does not seem to be a priority on either side. No remorse has been expressed. All attention is on fault and assigning blame. Both parties feel too injured, both feel too righteous, both are too focussed on winning to actually take steps towards resolving their conflict.
At issue — are some behaviours so horrible, so hateful, so destructive as to be unforgivable? Does there have to be an expression of remorse before forgiveness is extended, or are the two mutually exclusive? Should they be? And what does forgiveness even look like? Does it mean merely feeling indifferent towards each other or does it require a return to amity? Does forgiveness accord the inglorious behaviour an element of acceptance? Does it excuse, or worse legitimise, the intensity of emotional pain caused and the resulting damage to the relationship?
The challenge: Without forgiveness, there can be no reconciliation and it is entirely possible that our nephew has been too profoundly betrayed, too intensely hurt to forgive in order to find the common ground necessary for reconciliation.
Here’s what I know - family feuds are completely normal; I know no family that hasn’t had at least one (even if short-lived) in each generation. But it’s not the conflict that’s important, it’s the repair or resolution. It is remembering and finding the love once shared that is paramount if harmony is to be restored.
It is an enormous relief that Cam and I are not involved in this squabble and we intend to keep it that way! It is also a relief that our nephew views Cam as an elder statesman, a confidant and a neutral third party. Many’s the time, especially during the past month, that he has come to Cam to be his sounding board, for advice and for support. And Cam is unfailingly kind, patient, helpful and tries - at each juncture - to offer sage and calming advice, to help ensure the flames aren’t further fanned. He encourages our nephew to try his level best to stay calm and to set his emotions aside; to walk away if his anger is too volatile.
Still, the crux of the matter remains that, without a calm but heartfelt conversation, without sincere apologies from both parties for things said and done, without according each other a full measure of respect, any thought of bridge-building, of restoring mutual trust, achieving family harmony and rediscovering that deep well of sibling love are in danger of permanently vanishing. Such an outcome would decimate our family and worse, tarnish and dishonour Cam’s sister’s legacy for, to her, family was everything.
The real question, is it already too late?
Like that crazy quilt, life is a patchwork of emotional experiences, good and bad, sometimes experienced simultaneously. Each one of us must decide how to process the feelings associated with those interactions. Some of those are misdeeds, wrongs, insults and abuses but they have the power to teach us amazing life lessons — not only about the character of those around us but more importantly, about our own character and our emotional and moral limitations.
This is a community of strong, intelligent, thoughtful and kind people; if you’ve any thoughts on forgiveness and its possible limitations or conditions, do please put them in the comments, I’d love to hear from you!
’Til next time, y’all…
*Andrew Cooper, “The Debacle” at Tricycle Magazine.